The pursuit of happiness

Published on Republica The pursuit of happiness

CILLA KHATRY A cup of coffee on a rainy Sunday morning, a weekend trip to Pokhara, reading your favorite book in one sitting, beer with your friends while listening to music on Friday nights, or dinner with your family whom you haven’t been able to give much time due to your work schedule – what does happiness mean to you? Happiness is subjective, what makes you happy might not have a similar effect on your twin (if you have one) or a friend who you think is just like you. But whatever happiness is, one thing is clear – we all want it. Psychologists around the world have studied happiness for decades. Much research has been carried out time and again. They begin simply enough – by asking people how happy they think they are. Over the course of two weeks, The Week did the same. We asked 142 people if they would consider themselves to be happy. Only 13 participants said yes. The rest were waiting for a raise or a promotion, a friend to come from the States, their house construction to be completed, loans to be paid off, and even for “A suitable boy” – or in other words things that they assumed would make them happy.  So, what does happiness actually mean?  For Kabita T. Rongong, employee at Ekta Books Pvt. Ltd, happiness comes in the form of her one year old son Namthak. She says that she’s her happiest when she’s with him. Being a full-time working mother, she doesn’t get to spend as much time as she’d like to with her adorable toddler and that is a source of much “unhappiness” she says.  “I’m constantly thinking about him at work. And it’s only when I see his face at the end of a work day that I feel happy,” says Kabita. Mothers generally tend to draw happiness from their children so much so that when children grow up and stop heavily relying on them for every little thing, they feel neglected which leads to them being unhappy and depressed.  For Kabita T. Rongong, employee at Ekta Books Pvt. Ltd, happiness comes in the form of her one year old son Namthak. (The Week) Nisha Thapa, a 40-year-old housewife, admits that when her daughters went off to college – her elder daughter is an undergrad student in the States and the younger one has recently joined a college in Bangalore – and she didn’t have to worry about their homework, what they ate or didn’t eat, and fuss over keeping their room tidy, she felt like she lost a huge chunk of herself. “I was elated when my elder daughter got selected at a good business school in the US. I was the one who had pushed her to apply because I had always wanted to study in the States but couldn’t,” says Nisha explaining that Rachana’s acceptance letter brought so much happiness that they even threw a lavish party for their entire family and friends. But the elation was replaced by a feeling of gloom when Rachana packed her bags and left. Psychologist Uma Tiwari feels that many people base their happiness on something or someone rather than their overall life experience. According to Tiwari, happiness is an evanescent concept and striving to be at an all time high is futile. It’s tempting to assume that one-time events will permanently bring the happiness we seek. It is hardly ever the case, as much as we’d like to believe otherwise. What we can and should do, says Tiwari, is strive to make changes in our lifestyle that can transcend to joyful feelings in the long run.  In the book ‘The Happiness Project’, author Gretchen Rubin recounts the twelve months she spent testing the wisdom, lessons, and research on how to be happier. What she found out was that instead of trying to draw happiness from fulfillment of certain goals whose effect can be fleeting, improving life as it was by making small changes on a daily basis can lead to long-term happiness.  This is exactly what psychologist Tiwari explains to clients who complain that they aren’t happy. According to her, isolated events do control a big fraction of our happiness but when the effects of major changes start to wear off we are again back to where we started. While the process of achieving your ambitions and goals is worthwhile, the happiness they create dissipates after a while. What, then, is the key to happiness? “The first step is to identify what brings you joy, satisfaction, and engagement, and also what brings you guilt, anger, boredom, and remorse. The second step is making resolutions by identifying the concrete actions that will boost your happiness. Then, it’s about keeping the resolutions,” says Rubin in her note to the readers in ‘The Happiness Project’. Rubin had an epiphany where she realized that she’s not focusing on things that really matter. So she dedicated an entire year to trying to find out what makes her truly happy and thus began her happiness project. The findings are astonishing. She found that money can buy happiness but only when spent in the right way, that novelty and challenge are great sources of happiness, and contrary to popular belief happiness is a way of being that can slowly be developed. Though research indicates that happiness like depression, anxiety, and other mental problems, is hard-wired in our genes – some people are generally happier than others – but much of it is also a learned behavioral trait and there are certain ways in which you can boost your happiness quotient.  Tiwari says that psychological states such as anxiety or depression or happiness and optimism are forged by both nature and nurture. “It is 40-50 percent heritable. You may be born with the genetic predisposition. But even then there’s a lot of room to work on,” she says. Work can bring happiness by creating value in our lives. This is not merely conjecture, but employed people The Week talked to confessed of being more satisfied than those who were unemployed. Franklin D. Roosevelt is believed to have said, “Happiness lies not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.” Studies have also shown that happy people are generally better at work and tend to lead more fulfilled lives but the other way around also holds true to a very large extent. Sudhir Bista, a recently retired banker, admits that he was happier when he had a job. Having a steady source of income, and goals to accomplish every single day gave him a sense of purpose that he feels lacking now that he is jobless. Aparna Maharjan, a self employed girl in her early twenties, says that being able to fend for yourself is an immense source of satisfaction. “You don’t realize it but doing what you love and being able to support yourself and your family is extremely gratifying. Of course you’ll have problems at work but you have to look at the larger picture,” says Aparna. In the World Happiness Report, commissioned by the UN, Denmark was named the world’s happiest country. The reasons were explained in a report, published by The Happiness Research Institute that mentioned a good work-life balance and high level of social security stemming from it as the top reasons for happiness. Happiness has also been found to be linked with good health. Some researchers also speculate that positive mental states do have a direct effect on the body, perhaps by reducing damaging physical processes. One study carried out by Laura Kubzansky, professor of social and behavioral sciences at Harvard School of Public Health, found that optimism is associated with lower levels of inflammation.  “The effects of a positive mental state or a happy mind on the body are profound. A sense of enthusiasm, of hopefulness, of purpose and a set course in life, and the ability to face problems with emotional balance all contribute to happiness,” says Tiwari adding that happiness might be elusive but it doesn’t have to be so complex – it’s just about finding out what works for you. Decoding emotions Different emotions are a part of life. Sometimes you are happy, sometimes sad, and at other times you could just be feeling okay. Problems like depression, anxiety and other mental issues arise when you don’t know how to handle these conflicting emotions and let your emotions rule you rather than the other way around. Alisha Bhattarai, clinical psychologist and Umanga Jung Shah, psychotherapist at Nepal Academy of Psychology at Sanepa, Lalitpur, explain the workings behind our moods and tell us how we can deal with our emotions better. How can you be happy? Alisha: Happiness is subjective. What makes one person happy may not have the same effect on another. So first, you need to know what makes you happy and do things that instill a feel-good factor in you. I think problems also arise when people can’t make compromises and adjustments. In every sphere of life, be it work, family or with friends, compromise is a key factor if you want to be happy. Things won’t always be how you want them. That’s life. You have to understand and accept that. Umanga: There’s a difference between happiness and pleasure. People often confuse the two. Let me explain. You could go to a party, get drunk, and think you’re happy. But that’s pleasure. It’ll be momentary. To be happy, it’s extremely necessary to maintain a positive outlook, and like Alisha said, be ready to make adjustments as you go along. Can you cultivate positive thoughts? Alisha: Yes, definitely. But it needs a lot of practice. It’s not easy to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. But it can be done. Sometimes when you’re having a lot of bad thoughts, a simple trick of shouting “Stop!” can be extremely effective. When you have that two-second break, you then need to shift your focus from the bad to the good. We use this technique all the time. But like I said, it takes practice. You have to be forceful with yourself, at times. Umanga: In psychotherapy, there’s something called cognitive behavior therapy. In CBT, we focus on the problems and develop strategies to address them. By focusing on the solution, people with depression, anxiety, substance abuse problems and other behavioral setbacks can overcome their issues. When you change your behavior to make it more solution-centric,  over time it becomes ingrained in you and your mind will be wired to problem solving. What can you do when you face problems? Alisha: Every emotion is a life pattern and shouldn’t be feared. You need to understand that everything can be dealt with. If you run away from your problems, that’ll only cause more problems. You’ll also be prolonging its effects. Umanga: Everyone has problems in life. The problem isn’t the problem. People tend to think over it so much that they make it ten times bigger in their heads, and that’s the real issue. You need to accept your problems to be able to change it. Only when you face your problems head on, will the solutions come to you. What can be done to have a better grasp over your emotions? Umanga: Your emotions are largely shaped by the surrounding environment. If you’re dissatisfied or find yourself disturbed, then you should also look around to identify the source of your problem. People are usually stressed because of family or work issues. Management of those issues is sometimes necessary before you can deal with your emotions. Also, I advise people not to make decisions when they are happy, sad or angry. You make an impulsive decision swayed by your emotions, and these can further cause more problems later on. Being positive is easier said than done, don’t you agree?  Alisha: Of course, but what we need to understand is that our behavioral patterns can be changed. I agree that when you start thinking about a particular problem, more often than not your mind is filled with negative thoughts than positive ones. But you have to let it go. Don’t hold on to the negative thoughts. That’ll clear your mind. If you let water sit for too long, it will grow moldy. It’s the same with our thoughts. If you brood over it for too long, then your problems will consume you and you won’t be able to think of anything else. You will also not to be able to be logical about your problems and that takes you further away from the solutions. How can problems like depression and anxiety be tackled? Umanga: Mental problems are survival mechanisms. If you suffer from anxiety, that’s your mind’s way of dealing with the problem. There’s no right or wrong way of feeling something. You shouldn’t be judgmental about your emotions. In psychotherapy, we practice solution-focused brief therapy where we don’t talk about the problem but focus on the solution. In this kind of therapy, patients are advised to construct a vision of a preferred future for themselves. This has proven to be extremely effective in battling depression and anxiety. Any last thoughts you want to share? Alisha: Understand your limits and boundaries and don’t be too hard on yourself. Self-analysis is good but too much of it can sometimes wreck havoc, too. Understand that everything’ll run its course and practice being calm till it becomes a habit. Umanga: Every experience enriches you. You take something from it and become better. When you’re going through some problem, look at it with a critical eye and don’t get stuck with “could be” or “might be” scenarios and make the problem seem huge. Go to Republica Return to HOME